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I have a problem with premature ejaculation. I never seem to last more than one or two minutes because I become too excited. Could you please tell me if there is anything I could do for this problem? I am in a committed relationship and have been for three or four years now.
A: Dr. Dean: Well, don't sweat it, because getting excited is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Let's not make it into something horrible. And by the way, a minute or two is a long time, when you really get down to the nitty gritty of it.
The only study where women took stopwatches to bed with them found that one to two minutes duration is about average, so we're not starting at such a bad place. We can help you here, because what you're asking for is the ability to control these things. That's all we're talking about.
A recent study on circumcision and female sexual pleasure documented that women prefer and have more orgasms with a male who is uncircumcised versus an intact man. The report also found there were differences in sexual technique between intact men and circumcised men. But this is another story. We're not going to go there, because that is not your situation and you're not about to have surgery. Premature ejaculation does, however, seem to be more common in circumcised men.
You're going to need a little extra help. Men need to just sit with their partners and do a couple of exercises in an open and relaxed fashion, and it can then become simple.
The problem is, a lot of men with this difficulty don't have that kind of relationship. If they have in an ongoing, monogamous relationship, they are already uptight from this situation and anxious and afraid to talk about it with their partner.
This issue can make both parties nervous. The woman may be blaming herself and you may be feeling guilty, so this can be a little tricky to talk about.
The problem is control. There are exercises for this, but before you begin the exercises, you need to talk to her and say, honey, you excite me so much, I just can't help myself, but here are some things we can do together.
One of the exercises is called the Squeeze Technique. First you stimulate yourself and bring yourself close to the edge and then you learn to squeeze and back off, to find exactly when you are at the point inevitably.
Many men are afraid to tell their woman or develop a technique for slowing down when they get to that point. You'll find when you slow down that women prefer that to faster.
Men have a completely distorted view of what women like.
You can read more about this in the better lover article. Men get a lot of wrong ideas about what women want from watching porn movies, so read up and get the real information about foreplay, thrusting styles, rhythm, and other details on women's preferences.
Next, get help from your partner with touching. Then you can get help with a little bit of insertion and backing out so gradually the two of you make it a fun thing.
People will think nothing of spending hours on their golf swing, but this is the kind of thing people just can't see themselves doing.
You've got to be able to relax about it. This is easy to treat. This is nothing to get freaked out about or concerned about, the way many men do, and if worse comes to worse, there are a variety of medications, usually in the antidepressant classification, which are very effective.
Often sex therapists teach a man what's going on here and how to handle it, and the man stops taking the drug because he now has the confidence to run back in. But it can become worse again if he starts thinking about it and gets anxiety about it.
It's a very funny, opposite kind of thing. You will get to a point where you can relax with your partner - who knows what's going on and works with you - and together you can find all kinds of fun.
- Dean Edell, M.D.
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